At one point last night I said to him that I felt that I am becoming a better mom. He asked why, as he thinks I am a good mom. I think where this stems from is that I thought I would automatically be a great mother. I mean, I thought I was primed to be the world's best mom. I wasn't cocky about it, but I thought I was "born to be a mother" and it would come naturally to me. Not to mention the fact that I work with children on a daily basis, my entire college career was based on child development and psychology. I even wrote my senior thesis in high school about attachment! I loved children, children loved me - it was in the bag - motherhood would be easy for me! I wouldn't even need to use all those books.....it was just born into my blood. I had both instinct and academic knowledge on how to "do it the right way;" I also knew I would love my child fiercely and that would just amplify my already thought to be present skills.
Well, people- that didn't happen. I don't think I am a bad mother at all, and I am becoming better, but I am far from perfect. I now understand when people used to tell me how hard parenting was. I never knew how lonley motherhood can be at times. I am an extrovert in may ways and many of my days and nights are only spent with a young child now. I have figured out that it is ok to say that I miss being able to eat breakfast with one friend, have lunch with another, dinner with another and drinks and dancing with lots - ALL In one day! Or being able to go to a movie by the seat of my pants, or take off to Hawaii for a weekend (yes, I once did this). I do miss some of these things and at first I felt guilty even missing them (yes, I also have a martyr complex). The point is that although I miss these things, it doesn't take away from the fact that the one thing I did think would happen, did in fact happen- I love Holden FIERCELY. I love him so much it hurts! I would do anything for him and enjoy him so much, as he is his own person and has more personality in his left pinky toe than most people have in their whole body. I have realized that Holden has my temperament and that is why parenthood is so hard at times. It is definitely a mirror- meaning I can get lit up or fired up by many of the things he does, most likely because they are a mirror of me! It has made me realize parenthood is not perfect, nor is it easy. There is NO perfect. There is no perfect when your almost 2 year old starts screaming in the aisle of the grocery store or runs away from you for a solid hour before you can finally pin him down to get his diaper on (all the while he is laughing his head off) or the hour at bedtime he wants you to "cuddle" or when he pushes me a way and calls ME "Ronica" when he is mad at me. There is no perfect! Well, there is perfect- but it has nothing to do with parenting, it has to do with his little, or shall I say big, spirit. Perfect are the 100's of kisses I get a day, his curls bouncing as he is doing somersaults, him saying hi to the random stranger while walking, and making their day, his never ending self-created nicknames for all of us, and his intense eyes that dance while he is looking at you. That is perfect.
Admitting there is no perfect has helped. My own mother helped me with that before she passed as well. She was a great mother to me and many others, but she struggled as well, although she had great instincts and bonding abilities. I have talked to those that I have considered stellar mothers, and they too, have told me it is a farce. One of my good friends, who I consider a great mom, Gina, has been a good example and sounding board for me, as she has told me her times of struggle. The thing Gina has shown me is that even though you love children and have strong instincts, you still need to learn! I have been reading lot's of books and taking what I like about them and trying to apply them to my everyday life. I think as parents, we have to continue trying to grow and fill up our toolbox of how to help our children through this human experience.
So, I think I am becoming a better mother, because I have listened to some wise people in my life that have allowed me to let the little things go and take the pressure off of being this perfect mother I thought I would be. So what if I give my kid M&M's once in awhile or let him watch too much TV. Those were prior judgments I had before becoming a parent in real life - the "OH MY GOD- I WOULD NEVER LET MY KID HAVE SUGAR or WATCH TV!" Sometimes I get so frustrated I have yelled at him, or wanted to spank him! I don't believe in spanking at all, so when I had my first desire to spank Holden, I went into my room and cried! I don't spank him and I try not to lose control and raise my voice, but it is extremely hard at times, as due to the fact that he is a mirror of me, I often get easily frustrated. The one commonality in the easy frustration is that I am always the one losing my composure. I am trying not to do that anymore and think of all the positives my child has- even when he is running away from me when I try to get that darn diaper on. He is finding joy even in the littlest things or when he wants to cuddle with me before he can finally fall asleep. I have found that this won't last forever and I should cherish every moment I have with, rather than wasting it on the small irritations of life. Jesse and I have such similar hopes for our son and they include happiness, strong ethics, compassion and intrinsic motivation.
The most ironic thing of all of this is that I was so sure I would be this great mother, but I so often catch myself watching Jesse and thinking, "wow, I wish I could be more like that" so I hope he knows at I am becoming a better mother because of the father is- so naturally.
I have also discovered I have to take the parts of myself that I miss and find new ways to incorporate them into my new life. I need to fill myself up more. This summer, taking meditation classes and being around spiritual people has really helped me find a new way to bond with people, because, really, I just like strong, meaningful relationships. Since having a child, I have found, the things I do want to do, need to have more meaning than prior to having a child. Having a child has made me a better mother, because, it has made me a better version of myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment