2008 -- a year of love and pain

I will try and update with pictures soon, but I just wanted to write a short note about Holden.
He truly is a joy. I have had some recent sadness with the loss of MY mom and he, along with his father, my family, and friends have really helped me get through it. However, I must say, it is hard to sink into a deep hole when you have the unconditional love of a child. He is beginning to laugh! We also taught him how to "give kisses" the other day. He basically just opens his mouth wide. Jesse and Grandma Nancy have gotten him to full on laugh. It is just amazing. I know that my mom already loved Holden and she loved to hear all of my stories and worries about him. I finally understood how she really felt about ME -- mainly by the feeling I get just by looking at him. It deeply saddens me that she won't see me be a mother, because I think I am doing a good job. However, I will keep her memory alive in my heart for him. I recently told a friend that I did not know what real love was until 2008 and I did not know what real pain was in 2008. The birth of Holden was the best thing that has happened to me, thus far; along with the death of my mom being the worst thing.

I do believe tragedy can bring people together....and I have a strong support system in that of friends and family. What is left of my small family is a bonded and beautiful group of people. I know we will get through this together and even though there isn't much of them, they will give Holden a lot of love.

I know that my mom knew I was happy and she would want me to continue being so and I am trying to do just that. He is helping me. I cannot wait for his growth in 2009 to show me and teach me even more about....love.